sleeping and almost sleeping
The last two nights have been this recurring problem. I’ll be tired early because I do my stuff each day. So I feel ready to conk out at 9. This is a big mistake for me far as I can tell. While I sleep for some bit of time by 3am I’m awake. Then as usual sleep becomes harder to reclaim. Drink some water. Pound some thoughts. For whatever reason remember some half lives ago thing somewhere. It could be the morning waking up in the sleeper as Amtrak edged across big sky country. I was between now and then. Like in this place where it all went forever on. The train rambled. My thoughts did. Writing sometimes ensued or I sat in observation car with a coffee and donut and just watched.
Another day. Another almost sleepless night and it was some failed thing. Maybe failed things come back easier because I am failing at sleep. Then it’s in a room in Newark California and my phone vibrates. My daughter calling me in tears. Mom is scaring her. She yells at her and tells her she is lying and to get the fuck out of the car. Arry is scared. She has no idea what to do and mom drives off. I go over and get her. She pleads with me to not have mom pick her up after work any more. I agree. Then Arry goes home and mom is crying. Desperate for an acceptance of her apology. These manic swings of emotion. Was she always like that?
Both things tear at me. One was a dream come true. The other a nightmare and they seemed to just have various ends. And both are there. Reminding me sleep is optional.
I’ve thought more of the second lately I guess because my family there and I have reached the inglorious and negative estrangement part. No one talks. No one listens. I’ve tried. Not with my ex wife because seriously fuck her. But my daughter. Instead I have gotten the bad life choices thing months ago from her that sounded so much like what her mom had said before.
Both things give me pause. I did my dreams in Amtrak. Twice. I’ve tried more than twice to have something decent with my daughter. Another expat told me solemnly it had been 5 years for him. It’s been 4 for us. There’s no going back and fixing. I will never go back. I knew that in 2022 when I left. I knew 10 years ago when I left that backwards never worked.
The best thing that could be is my daughter here. I have family here. My little final acts do not play out in quiet desperation in a place and time I would hate. There will come a time I accept all this too. But first knowing me I have years of living with things. Do I want those years of dreams back wandering Amtrak? No. Do I want the same relationship with my daughter that broke? Hell no.
So let’s just move on. To another night hopefully with some sleep. Without either past thing or another creeping up on me.
See you tomorrow. Coffee and walk and thoughts galore. Now it’s maybe called sleepy in Siem Reap. Seems fair.