downtown and away
Sometimes this desire of wanting to be away from the usual social issues around the house is almost overwhelming to me. It’s like every day I start with the usual social scene in the neighborhood. From the time I wake up it’s talking. I guess I get tired of the forever discourse on whatever it is Cambodian people feel they need to hold forth on. People, places, things.
So I go to a coffee shop where of course I can hear more. Ride a tuktuk and decide the primary need coming here is not being there. The house wears me out. Perhaps I feel the quiet desperation there. The sense that nags on me at times about living there. I rarely say anything about feelings on places except to my daughter here. My wife listens and tries to make life better there. Sometimes I feel it is better.
I think it’s just me. I’m somehow broken inside. It’s easier to be broken over at Noi Cafe than sitting out at the house listening forever to people’s forever family and life issues. It’s not the nicest thing to say and the daily journal fills up today with random things. Complaints. Issues. Stuff I don’t much talk about. There is also good stuff. There is the walk waiting for me today. The sense of its steps on a beautiful morning. The daily practices of life always done and always waiting make even the down moments go up. Getting away is somehow icing on some cake.
Writing here at Noi and enjoying this sense of being and not being is rather pleasant. The daily coffee away from the random issues that everyone else has that my wife translates so I know what’s going just drives me away. So here I sit. And you too. You are my captive audience this morning. My coffee partner that doesn’t say anything. Perfect person to invite.
And on
Being downtown and away gives me space. Time. Moments. The motos hum by. People talk and the baristas serve here and always tell me hello in Khmer. And I do my part. I sit in silence and be a good barang.
In truth I did try listening to these vloggers this morning. I always feel their lives wander way beyond whatever I see here. I like the day to day life. It’s not some perfect place. I never have thought any place was. Hanoi did come closest. Thats then. Another downtown and away back in a day long gone. I miss them sometimes but I would not want them back. That’s a fools errand. Instead today I disengage the gears. I accept the being away. The sense of next being able to just walk. That freedom.
I hope your coffee is ok. Mine is good. This whole exercise was meaningless. That’s ok too. Whoever said we had to find meaning in everything? Another video I watched was on this life spent wanting the wrong things and never getting them. A 77 year old man finally found it was not money, house, cars. Not things. Things are notorious. They lead to more things. None of them breed happiness. Especially money. Like I told my wife once,
Want a way to fuck up a friendship? Introduce money to it.
That’s a done deal then. Slow down on that coffee. Must last until my words stumble and fall.
Ok. For now.