back to walking
I walked some nice walks in Battambang I felt. All four days felt nice to just go but for whatever reason the one day off when we rode the van back had this effect on me. I just cannot miss days walking. Once I miss a day, I start feeling these issues inside. Like unhappiness and frustration. I did get to walk yesterday but it was just not enough. So today we went downtown for breakfast and I felt not so good there either. Part of the issue was the usual crew of expats that seem to gather there. I just cannot take them on the best of days. There’s something about them that just makes me want to distance myself. I don’t know why it is.
I guess one thing was this Japanese guy sitting next to us smoking while we ate. I cannot tolerate cigarette smoke ever but especially around food. I was already feeling this disconsolate feeling. Then having to smell his repeated forays into smoking it became worse. Then the other regulars showed up in their little expat bubbles and I just cannot do them even on the best of days.
This morning I could not wait to just go. I felt this impatience and discomfort inside. This only went away when I started walking and found the day warming up and sweat coming. I cut around downtown where I wished to go. I reached national road 6 which is a major road artery in the city. This kinda takes me back to the river and then I can do the reward for me which is a fresh mango shake from a street food vendor I know.
I sat for a bit at Heritage Walk and wrote in the journal about the feelings. If I do not get the stuff down, I feel that’s not right either. I should be able to get things written without some special magic. The journal writing should be a thing that just follows and lets me explore the feelings a bit.
Then back home after the mango shake. I did the wondrous 30 minutes of yoga I love and showered and my wife made chicken and air fried potatoes with chili and a wonderful salad. I finally started feeling after things today like I was somehow back to feeling like I wanted. Like I could again deal with other people without feeling negative about them. I don’t know why it is that I will feel badly about people here besides I am not a people person whatsoever. I can simply do without people most times. It seems particularly bad if I don’t get a daily walk in. Like there is some kind of blocker in me that demands a change. Sitting over breakfast, I felt this frustration growing. I never speak to my wife of it but I’ve told her before I am not happy around most expat people. There’s just something about them that irritates me.
Being back to walking let me find myself again. It always is the little things that promise nothing back that give the most I think. The 30 minutes of the yoga always seems to give me this relaxation thing and if I don’t get that I don’t feel right either.
day ends
I did sit earlier at Noi Cafe. Watched the day outside turn around and become later. I had stopped before I walked so while it felt nice to sit there without talking or having to listen to the forever chatter of people around me, I also just wanted to go. I wanted to feel the release.
So this was a disjointed and unorganized foray into some day here which seemed to start with frustration and angst and end with this release. I got back home and felt good. My wife cooked a nice dinner for me. I disappeared into the bedroom with the AC going.
Here’s a little Noi Cafe for you. A nice place however I feel but this time could not wait to just go.
Tomorrow I go here. Go in the mornings. Reclaim the feeling yet again. The sense of well-being and solitude that I get here more than downtown. Coffee and writing and overthinking. Yeah.
That’s what I do here. Call it mindfulness. Or whatever.